My sister and I have… a less than optimistic viewpoint on the famous cook, Rachel Ray. It’s not that we hate her- it’s more like… we strongly dislike her. Her fake optimism, the whole empire she built as a cheap Martha Stewart- okay, that’s beside the point, but either way… Imagine our surprise to discover that my grandmother has a subscription to Rachael Ray Magazine. My sister, being a good “adult” per se, started to deface the magazines as they arrived at my grandma’s house. Crazy point though- my grandmother has yet to notice. There’s a stack of magazines still in her living room with this artwork. I check on them occasionally, seeing what my sister’s latest mad works look like. Here’s a small taste:
(that one is my favorite)
By the way, she’s in her twenties. My sister is so special.
I usually find my friends to be helpful, kind people which I rely on time and time again. This is not one of those times, unfortunately. This is one of those stories that ends up on the opposite side of the spectrum. I arrived at my friend Primo’s house one Saturday evening quite hungry, as i had not eaten anything that day. As I am inclined to do time and time again, I raided his fridge for food I came across about two and a half squares of brownies cooked by his girlfriend, Michelle- moist and very appealing brownies to my quite hungry eyes. I tore off the note she left on the note and- to put it simply- I “went to town” on the brownies, eating the baked goods in a slovenly manner. I didn’t care, I was famished. Primo and another friend, Nick, watched with amusement in the kitchen as I ate the brownies. They waited for me to finish the brownies before laughing hysterically, leaving me quite puzzled as i started picking out small chunks of the brownies still in the inside of the pan. I questioned them on the reason of their laughter, so Primo showed me the note Michelle wrote. It read: THESE ARE “MAGICAL” BROWNIES! ENJOY! I froze in shock, looking to the obscene mount of brownies I ate, the pan hanging off of my fingers as my wrist went limp, eyes wide as I glanced back and forth between Primo and Nick in pure horror. Nick chortled and observed that, “Those brownies are going to hit you HARD”. To say I had a bit of a freak out is putting it midly. I tensed, waiting for the brownies to hit me, to really be stoned for the first time. Primo and Nick took extra care to observe me that night- even going as far as to have Primo instructing Nick to watch me in the car as he went to the ATM so I “don’t have a freakout”. I was tensing up a lot- sweating, clenching my fists and hyperventilating, waiting for (and I quote Primo on this) “the munchies to kick in”. We decided to go to In and Out Burger, a popular fast food joint for dinner. Primo and Nick continued to watch as i ordered another obscene amount of food to eat for the coming munchies. I sat there as cars went past us to pick up the food. My palms were sweaty, i was trying to calm myself the best I could. I was going to enter an altered state of mind I hadn’t been to before. Primo and Nick watched utterly amused, giggling. I stopped to look up to them and asked them what they were up to. They giggled and waited for a few minutes before they told me that the pot brownies were a lie. I ate regular brownies. And I thought I was high. No one at In and Out took a second glance as i started to choke Primo out. Goddamn you, placebo effect.
I’ve been the only person in my household with any sort of MP3 player, my classic ipod mini still serving me well on my drives out and about. With my mother receiving a gift of an unopened iPod video, the only person left in my household was my sister, who had resorted upon mix CDs of various genres strewn about my mother’s car, and the terrestrial radio stations she deftly navigated for her favorite songs. After Christmas, my sister looked into getting her own iPod, using the gift cards for Ebay as her means to purchase a used one at a reasonable price. She finally settled upon the fatty iPod mini, to which she received with much glee, having found it at a great deal compared to most. She wanted me to take a look at it, so she waited patiently as i hooked it up to the mac in my room. She waited as i made the discovery of music already loaded upon the pink iPod- various punk bands and popular music that made her squeal in glee, things I would never have on my own music collection, Britney Spears and the like. It was only about 2 gigs worth of music out of the total 8 gigs available, so it was an added bonus to the cost of the iPod. I went back to the iPod status menu, looking at the bar at the bottom that showed the size of the various things available on the iPod. 2 gigs of music and… video? Thinking it was more free stuff, i quickly moved to the video tab, only to find porn. Porn on a used iPod, a title over 50 characters in length describing some act of sexual nature in great detail that I know would probably be illegal in Utah. I stopped, staring at my computer with a dropped jaw and incredulous smile as i called my sister over. “Teresa, you gotta see this!” I said with a laugh as i pulled open the title bar more, describing more raunchy things done with a latina (and a goat, but thinking back on it now, I think that may have been a joke). She looked in horror as iTunes generated an album cover, a random frame from the pornographic movie with the right asscheek of said Latina. “DELETE IT!” she yelled out, covering her eyes as I deleted the video. I wiped the iPod 3 times, to be safe. Be sure to check those things you buy on Ebay, mmmkay?